


It's Not That I Want to Suffer (Unless It's for You)

by saucekays



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, Nightmares, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Uchiha Sasuke Has Issues, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Unrequited Love, Yeah this turned out sadder than I was expecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29231895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucekays/pseuds/saucekays
Summary: In the days following Itachi's death, Sasuke suffers from nightmares. His teammates Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo notice, and do their best to provide their support in the small ways they're capable of and that Sasuke allows.However, Itachi's death is not the only grief that is haunting Sasuke. He is also deeply aware of his romantic feelings for Naruto and in addition, wholeheartedly believes that the other does not love him back.Featuring a lot of "dysfunctional-but-they're-trying" team dynamics, Sasuke being at his lowest point (around the Hokage Summit arc), and gay yearning.(Note on the pairings: Sasuke and Suigetsu have an implied teammates-with-benefits sort of relationship in this story. However, Sasuke is very much in love with Naruto.)
Relationships: Hoozuki Suigetsu/Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69





	It's Not That I Want to Suffer (Unless It's for You)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I wanted to include a quick note about some of the potentially sensitive content in this story. Firstly, there is mention of some underage shenanigans between Suigetsu and Sasuke, who are both sixteen when this story takes place. Nothing happens between them this particular time, but it's heavily implied if not stated explicitly that they have messed around with each other before. Secondly, there is a decent amount of thoughts on death from Sasuke's end. Nothing explicitly suicidal, it's just that he doesn't believe he has much time left.
> 
> With that out of the way, please enjoy the story. :)

Despite being Team Taka’s leader, Sasuke did not force many rules upon his companions. They were, after all, outlaws in every sense of the word: they had escaped the rules and regulations of clans, and Hidden Villages, and the nations themselves, so why should they leave this behind only to bow their heads to another code? 

Still, this was not all there was to Sasuke’s philosophy. After all, many other well-known outlaw organizations had strict codes of conduct, like Akatsuki and the rebel groups of Amegakure.

In the beginning, Sasuke’s teammates were led to believe that his lack of a heavy hand was simply due to a lack of care for the group or its members. It wasn’t as if they had any grand or noble goal, after all, they were only there in order to further Sasuke on his journey of personal vengeance, and none of them ever doubted that they were easily replaceable. 

Still, as with many things concerning Sasuke, it appeared that apathy was not the only explanation for his actions and behavior. Each member of Taka came to their own conclusions in their own ways as they spent more time with him-- Karin’s quest to get closer to Sasuke simply resulted in her paying far too much attention to everything he said and did, rendering it inevitable that she’d discover he was wearing a mask even if she couldn’t tell what lurked beneath it; Juugo’s skills of quiet observance, acquired from many hours of meditation, were able to recognize the telltale signs of one who kept parts of himself locked away at all times, in this case aided by the fact that Sasuke was a fellow Curse Mark wielder; a s for Suigetsu, he had simply found it harder and harder to believe that anyone could have that much of a stick up their ass without a significant reason. 

In the end, no matter what aroused their suspicions or what exactly their theories on Sasuke’s big secrets were, the three companions reached a silent agreement when it came to their leader. They could continue to live free, unbound by ceremony or hierarchy, but in exchange for that, they must never attempt to uncover what their leader was hiding.

Of course, when traveling together, it was sometimes quite difficult to not discuss personal matters: Suigetsu and Karin were the most frequent offenders, commenting their assumptions on Sasuke’s train of thought concerning their team’s missions or asking him personal questions before thinking-- this was not to say Juugo was entirely innocent either, for he couldn’t bring himself to quench the hope inside him that he would one day be as close with Sasuke as he had been with Kimimaro. But there were three of them, and in the end, any tense moments in which Sasuke’s eyes began to gleam read or his hand looked as if it were about to stray towards the hilt of his katana were dispelled easily with a warning glance or a sharp elbow from one teammate to another. 

When this rule was first established, Sasuke’s three companions simply refrained from mentioning the Uchiha’s past at all: as they spent more time together, they began to form a sort of unofficial list. There were the  _ Discussable Topics _ ,  _ Occasionally Discussable Topics _ (‘occasionally’ in this case referring to  _ Team Bonding Moments _ , such as when they were all stranded in a cave together during a storm, or when they all had to huddle together to share body heat on a frosty night), and finally the  _ Topics Never To Touch, Not Even With Suigetsu’s Massive Fucking Sword Kubikiribochou _ . 

_ Discussable Topics  _ included the team’s next destination, tonight’s dinner plans, how annoying Suigetsu's loud complaining was, and the weather.

_ Occasionally Discussable Topics  _ were things like their objective, Konoha (in a derogatory way), and Sasuke’s clothing choices.

That last category included Sasuke’s family, childhood, time with Orochimaru, and past bonds. Perhaps important things to talk about should one wish to get to know him, but untouchable nonetheless. 

It wasn’t as if Sasuke had actually told them not to discuss these things-- that would have been revealing things about himself, after all, so in fact the opposite was true. Nevertheless, whenever the conversation seemed to be steering vaguely towards any of those topics, the air became filled with a foreboding that none of them could ignore and Sasuke’s aura, though never particularly welcoming, would become deadly enough that Karin would have to look away, protecting her eyes from his chakra signature. Somehow, they determined that pressing any of these topics would result in either Sasuke turning on them, or their expulsion from the team. And despite the fact that they wouldn’t have been able to form even one working moral compass between the three of them, they didn’t find themselves wanting to part ways just yet, with Sasuke or with each other.

And so, to prevent the fracturing of their little band of outlaws, they didn’t talk about what Sasuke didn’t want to-- didn’t even touch it with Kubikiribochou’s length. 

This strategy worked extraordinarily well-- at least, up until a certain point. That point was, ironically enough, around the time the team received their current name:  _ Taka _ , with the destruction of Konoha as its goal. 

As much as Sasuke may have wished to remain mysterious, an enigma at the head of his team, the whole situation with Itachi broke down quite a few of his most prized walls. No matter what he had or hadn’t told his teammates, it seemed that something about breaking down in heavy sobs in front of an entire company of people before declaring revenge on the ones who had hurt the brother one had personally murdered only a few days prior had a way of revealing a decent amount of the truth. 

Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo’s behavior didn’t shift too drastically even after this incident: somewhere along the line, their reasons for staying together had become more than pure convenience or blind loyalty. Something about Sasuke drew them together: maybe it was the way he consistently saved them from danger while acting as if it was nothing, or the way he refused to kill anyone it wasn’t necessary to kill, or the way he interacted a little differently with each of them-- sitting and meditating with Juugo when he was having a hard time controlling his Curse Mark, listening to Karin’s frustrations when Suigetsu had been bullying her, sharing controlled and unemotional but desperately cathartic touches with Suigetsu in the dead of night. 

Ever-conscious of the fragility of this bond between them, the followers of Team Taka knew they couldn’t pressure Sasuke into opening up. At the same time, they couldn’t help but worry about him, especially after seeing him break down so heavily upon learning the truth of Itachi’s life and death. 

Lacking the possibility of talking to him about the issue, however, they silently agreed to watch him. They watched his words, his expressions, the number of times he looked towards the horizon, the things that triggered his Sharingan to activate without consciously meaning to. 

When they were on guard duty during the night, they watched him sleep. Unsurprisingly, he appeared to suffer from nightmares-- surely common for a Shinobi, especially one with his achievements, but there was still something disconcerting about seeing their unhesitating and fearless leader curl up in a ball during the night and furrow his brow in a worried and almost childish way. 

Sasuke himself hadn’t consciously taken note of Taka’s new focus on him-- he was uncharacteristically trapped in his head these days, still reeling under the weight of what he had learned and experienced in recent days while trying desperately to pretend that he wasn’t. He fell asleep every night without being suspicious of them. 

This led to the first instance in which one of his nightmares was bad enough to wake him in the middle of the night. Karin had taken watch at this time, and she observed as Sasuke’s eyes flew open and his lips parted to allow more air to fill his heaving lungs. It took every ounce of her self preservation not to rush to his side right away, but her patience paid off in the end. Once Sasuke had calmed himself and realized the company he was in, his eyes narrowed suspiciously but he didn’t immediately chastise her or push her away. 

Karin pulled a cloth out of her rucksack and poured cool water on it from Suigetsu’s large bottle. Then she quietly approached Sasuke, kneeling down beside his bedroll as he stayed where he was, watching her. 

“Here, Sasuke,” she said, willing her voice not to tremble. It did, slightly, but she wasn’t sure whether he noticed or cared. She placed the cloth on his sweaty forehead, feeling his heat radiating even through the material. “The Uchiha run hot,” she said.

Sasuke was lying on his back now, eyeing her. At her first touch he had bristled, but even he seemed to realize that the cool comfort of the wet cloth on his head was helping rather than hurting him. 

“They do,” he replied eventually. He sounded listless now: if Karin had not just watched him recover from a nightmare with her own eyes, she might have believed there was nothing on his mind. Shock but also sadness ran through her as she registered this--  _ No one should have to become accustomed to handling this much. Not even someone as capable as him.  _

“I can take it,” he muttered a few moments later, gesturing vaguely towards the cloth.

Karin rolled her eyes. “Don’t be stupid,” she said. “You should rest. It’s not your turn to watch yet.” 

Sasuke’s eyes widened minisculely at her rude tone, but he didn’t glare at her for once. “You’re not the first to call me stupid,” he said then, words barely distinguishable and his eyes far away. 

Karin desperately wanted to ask who the first one  _ had  _ been, who he was thinking of with so much pain in his eyes right now, but decided against it. Sasuke had to be cooled off and get his rest. 

“You can’t keep watch if you’re doing this,” he eventually spoke up again. 

Karin rolled her eyes.  _ Always the leader.  _ “The job of the one on watch is to make sure all is well, including those they are watching” she whispered in reply. “That’s exactly what I’m doing. Now go back to sleep, I’ll wake you up when it’s your shift.” 

“Hmm,” Sasuke agreed, his dark eyes briefly scanning her face before he closed them again. 

Karin watched pain flash across his expression when he did so, signaling the fact that his nightmares were still very real as soon as his eyes were closed. Her heart went out to him-- not in her well-known sense of infatuation, but instead with genuine care. She doused the cloth with more cool water and channeled the smallest amount of healing chakra into her hands as she continued to work. Healing chakra could neither fix a broken heart or a tortured soul, but it could at the very least help to relax the body. 

Eventually Sasuke, despite his restlessness, fell asleep again. His soft breaths barely made a sound, rendering him quiet as always, and his jaw remained set in the way it almost always seemed to be. 

From above, Karin smiled sadly.  _ This is the most he’s ever allowed me to care for him,  _ she realized,  _ and it’s barely anything at all. And he had to suffer so much to even allow this.  _

At this close distance, she could count his dark eyelashes even with her less-than-perfect eyesight.  _ I wonder if he would let anyone besides me take care of him,  _ she wondered. The thought hurt her, but her level of care for his wellbeing suppressed any jealousy blooming inside.  _ Maybe the one who called him ‘stupid’ before I did.  _

_ I wonder who that person is.  _

Karin didn’t wake Sasuke up for his shift that night. Instead, she let him rest, waking Juugo herself later in the night. She didn’t explain why it was her and not Sasuke waking him up, but he seemed to understand regardless. The two of them shared a significant look as she crawled into her bedroll, and the last thing she saw before falling asleep was Juugo’s warm gaze fixed on Sasuke’s still-sleeping form. 

_ We have to do what we can for him,  _ Karin knew.  _ Even if we’re not who he needs.  _

  
  


***

The second team member to witness one of Sasuke’s nightmares was Suigetsu. He wasn’t as cautious as Karin had been: as soon as Sasuke began to thrash in his sleep he had gone to his bedside and lightly shook him, waking the team leader up. Sasuke had looked uncharacteristically startled at first, but his eyes soon settled into cool recognition at the sight of Suigetsu crouching in front of him.

“You were dreaming,” he stated, deadpan, and Sasuke only looked at him. 

“So?” he said eventually, and Suigetsu winced at the hoarseness in his voice. “Here, drink something,” he said, tossing Sasuke a bottle of water. 

The Uchiha barely nodded in acknowledgment before sitting up and starting to sip the drink. 

Suigetsu watched him closely, not flinching when Sasuke gave him a sharp look. 

“Do you want anything?” he asked simply. 

Sasuke didn’t put down the bottle.  _ Like what,  _ his eyes were asking, closed-off and challenging, and although Suigetsu was slightly fearful of the speed at which Sasuke had apparently gone from terrified to unbothered, he was also relieved to find that his distraction seemed to be working.  _ I can’t get closer to him, but I can approach him,  _ Suigetsu knew. Out of all of the Taka members, he was the only one allowed to touch Sasuke in any sort of intimate way. It was an understanding they had reached after only a few days on the road together: they were both far too young, deprived, and homosexual to be able to stay away from each other in that way, no matter how unprepared either of them were for a true commitment. 

Glancing around, Suigetsu saw that Karin and Juugo were sleeping a little further away and at least partially out of view. When Sasuke made no motion to the contrary, he reached out and began to push Sasuke’s long hair out of his face. 

The dark-haired teen furrowed his brows at the sudden touch, but allowed it to happen: a sudden tired relief fell across his features as Suigetsu’s cool hand continued to brush his skin. A few seconds later, he moved to the side: this was as close to an invitation as he ever extended, and Suigetsu snatched it as soon as it appeared. He soon joined Sasuke underneath the blankets, and for a while they simply lay beside each other. 

They never held each other too tightly or connected with each other too closely, but for tonight Suigetsu thought that more prolonged contact wouldn’t be entirely unwelcome. He found himself sincerely wishing that the fear he had seen in Sasuke’s haunted eyes only moments before wouldn’t come back, at least not for tonight. 

_ Maybe I can tire him out,  _ Suigetsu thought after a few moments of lying next to a Sasuke who was undoubtedly finding it impossible to fall back asleep. 

“This way,” he whispered into Sasuke’s ear, and the other teen turned onto his side to face him. Suigetsu reached out a pale hand, stroking down Sasuke’s muscled chest before coming to rest lightly on his crotch. 

Sasuke wasn’t entirely unexcited, he could feel it, and for a moment he believed his distraction might have succeeded. It had worked for both of them in the past, after all, in those moments when their youthful bodies were momentarily unable to hold everything happening around them without experiencing some sort of release. 

But then something alarmingly close to heartbreak filled Sasuke’s eyes, and Suigetsu immediately stopped what he was doing. He wasn’t sure he had ever seen this expression on Sasuke; this made him afraid, as Sasuke was known for his very meager range of facial expressions-- it was something he himself made fun of, on occasion. 

Now there was something so devastating and so deep in Sasuke’s eyes that even Suigetsu, a generally cheerful and laid-back person, felt his heart crawling into his throat at the sight of it. 

_ How much pain could possibly cause a look like that?  _ he wondered, and then he realized what must have triggered it.  _ He doesn’t want to do this with me. He wishes I were someone else.  _

Suigetsu didn’t feel hurt at this realization: it wasn’t as if he was in love with Sasuke, after all. Still, he was frustrated that there was no apparent way for him to make the other boy feel better right now.  _ This is out of my hands, damn it.  _

He withdrew his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Just lie with me here then, alright?” 

Sasuke didn’t move, and did exactly that. 

Admittedly, Suigetsu was quite alarmed by Sasuke’s sudden docile behavior, but he kept his thoughts to himself. Sasuke had unwittingly revealed an entirely new side of his past pain tonight, and even without knowing what it was like himself Suigetsu knew that it could be nothing short of truly exhausting to carry that burden all the time. 

_ I wonder if Karin would know what to do,  _ he thought, yawning not of boredom but of tiredness and masked worry.  _ I’m useless when it comes to shit like this.  _

_ So is Sasuke himself, though, _ he thought then, his razor-sharp teeth glinting in a sudden yet thoughtful smile.  _ And he’s still ended up dealing with it.  _

He shook his head.  _ Uchiha Sasuke… I always knew he was a crazy bastard.  _

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see said crazy bastard’s eyelids begin to droop shut.  _ Maybe I’m not doing too terribly, after all.  _

Suigetsu wouldn’t necessarily admit this to himself, but he truly did hope that he was helping Sasuke, lying there by his side a hair’s breadth apart. 

***

Another few nights later Sasuke woke up once again: this time it was Juugo who was awake to notice his situation. 

Unlike the other two, he made no motion to approach Sasuke, not even once he was fully awake, but the Uchiha’s dark eyes still filled with suspicion once they landed on him. 

“What’s your strategy, Juugo?” Sasuke unexpectedly spoke up first even as his voice croaked and his mouth twisted with something terrible. “Are you going to trick me into falling back asleep like the other two? Because that’s unnecessary, and I never asked them to, either.” 

Juugo stared at him for a moment, his amber eyes appearing even warmer in the dying firelight. “No,” he said eventually. 

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at him. 

“I’ll ask you if you’d like to join me, though,” he continued. 

He truly didn’t expect Sasuke to acknowledge him, but controlled his surprised reaction when the other teen stood up swiftly after a few seconds, so perfectly balanced as if he hadn’t been shaking in his sleep just before, and crossed the clearing to sit on the other side of the fire from Juugo.

They sat in silence for a few moments, sweat gradually dissipating from Sasuke’s neck and his chest starting to rise and fall at a more usual pace. 

“You’re not at peace,” Juugo said then. 

The smallest of frowns crossed Sasuke’s expression: this was usually his role, after all. He had always been the one to calm Juugo and bring him back down to earth, not the other way around. Besides, Juugo’s problem lay on the surface of his skin: it was the Curse Mark that needed appeasing. In Sasuke’s case, the hurt lay in his very heart and soul, and they both knew something as simple as meditating wouldn’t heal it. 

Still, Juugo wished to try this, if for no reason but to get Sasuke to dwell on something besides the contents of his nightmare. 

“This will pass,” Sasuke warned eventually. When Juugo met his eyes, he noted how fierce their glow was. “Don’t begin to assume that I can no longer lead Taka, or am in any way unfit for the tasks I have been taking charge of, because of a week of bad rest.”

“I wasn’t thinking that,” Juugo replied simply. It was the truth, mostly. 

“I’ve seen the way you three have been looking at me,” Sasuke began with low conviction, then trailed off as he started to say, “Ever since…”

_ Of course he noticed,  _ Juugo smiled slightly to himself.  _ And the fact that he refuses to mention what happened is proof of what he is trying to deny to us.  _

“None of us were thinking any less of your abilities, Sasuke,” Juugo clarified. “Still, we are all human.” 

That was what Sasuke had taught him, after all. That despite the monster lurking within him, his past status as nothing more than a harbinger of ruin and death, he was still a human: capable of having feelings, friends, and simpler things still. 

“I’ve always managed on my own,” Sasuke said. He sounded a little defensive now. 

Juugo didn’t want to unsettle him, but he also knew that sometimes it was important to tell the truth. “You don’t have to, this time,” he said quietly, without forcing Sasuke to hold his gaze. “We don’t have to know everything, but you can at least acknowledge that you’re not in top condition right now. None of us will respect you any less.” 

Sasuke stared at the fire for a long time. Juugo hoped that his eyes were softening slightly in the dancing light, but when he looked up again they were as steely as ever. 

“I have severed my past bonds,” he said. “I don’t intend to forge any more.” 

Surprisingly, he didn’t sound unkind. Maybe it was just the soft lighting, but Juugo thought that Sasuke looked almost--  _ regretful.  _

Juugo thought of the heartbroken rage he had spotted on Sasuke’s face only the week before, the way his shoulders had shaken with unsuppressed sobs as he stared at the sun setting on the sea. 

Somehow, he couldn’t believe that a man hiding that much emotion within him could be detached from everything. The same was true for himself, after all. 

“Sasuke,” he said, “There’s still someone you care about, isn’t there?”

The red flashing in the Uchiha’s eyes wasn’t just firelight this time. His Sharingan had activated, the three tomoe within the red iris every bit as sharp as the rest of his drawn expression. “What did you say,” he growled. 

Juugo’s heart saddened as he witnessed once again how untrusting Sasuke truly was, but he tried to put on an understanding smile. “Forgive me,” he said, “I shouldn’t have asked something so personal.” 

Sasuke stared at him for a long time, and Juugo began to wonder if he had been put under a genjutsu. But then the other man blinked and shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he said, before standing up and stalking back over to his bedroll. 

Juugo watched him for a long while afterwards, until he had fallen asleep and for a long while more.  _ I wonder if I could have done anything better,  _ he wondered. However, he doubted that anything would have made much of a difference.  _ If Sasuke doesn’t want to share something, he won’t,  _ he decided.  _ But that doesn’t mean we can’t be a team.  _

With this in mind, and as a teammate sworn to protect Sasuke, Juugo stayed up to watch him for the rest of the night. 

  
  


***

_ Itachi’s cruel smile as he plunged his sword into the warm, innocent bodies of everyone in their entire clan. Wearing that same expression to stare at Sasuke, only for the mask to fall off and reveal tears flowing freely from his eyes. His older brother’s body controlled by puppet strings, shadowy hands emblazoned with the symbol of Konoha pulling him far away. Red Akatsuki clouds raining down on both of them as they fought, as Sasuke’s Kirin scorched Uchiha flesh and his katana spilled Uchiha blood. Relief filling Itachi’s eyes as Sasuke finally delivered him from the hell he had been calling home for his entire life.  _

These images were familiar-- some of them had haunted him since the Massacre itself, others had only arrived in his mind since the events of last week. But tonight the nightmare didn’t end here. It kept going, dragging Sasuke along with it no matter how harshly he resisted. 

_ Sasuke fell through fire and shadow, away from his dear brother’s corpse, and ended up in a clearing surrounded by rubble. At the opposite end was a figure: even before he strode into the light, Sasuke could tell that it was Naruto. Blue eyes as inexorable as the ocean softened into twin pools of rainwater as they saw Sasuke, and self-loathing burned his lungs as he witnessed first-hand how much pain he was causing Naruto.  _

_ “Why, Sasuke,” Naruto croaked: now Sasuke could see that he had a gaping hole through his chest, the telltale mark of a successful Chidori attack. Sasuke wished that it would heal, but the longer he looked the more fatal it appeared.  _

_ “Why did you do this,” he asked again, sobbing now.  _

_ Sasuke opened his mouth, and couldn’t control the words that came out. “I love you,” he said, and immediately he was horrified.  _

_ Naruto’s face contorted in anger, the last remnants of Kyuubi chakra sharpening his teeth and glazing his eyes. “I hate you,” he growled in reply. “Why couldn’t you just kill me, like you did Itachi?”  _

_ It felt like there was hot tar in Sasuke’s lungs, and he didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry,” he began. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  _

_ Those two insignificant words were all he could repeat as Naruto succumbed to the injury he had given him, sobbing out curses to Sasuke for all the pain he had caused him until he breathed his last.  _

As Naruto exhaled one last time, Sasuke inhaled for the first: his breathing rushed him back to the physical world, where the slow-boiling tar in his lungs seemed to abruptly freeze and sit there like impossibly heavy ice. He couldn’t breathe no matter how hard he tried, and could barely tell where he was. 

Still in shock from the nightmare, he couldn’t tell how loud he was being: his three teammates had all started awake as soon as he himself had, and were now giving each other worried glances outside of his field of vision.

“Hey, Sasuke,” Suigetsu called, but his voice didn’t reach the other boy. 

“Don’t just sit there, help him!” Karin cried, and she tried to move towards him but Juugo held her back. 

“Be careful,” he said, “He might not recognize us.”   


As he spoke, Sasuke’s burning eyes suddenly looked in their direction: Karin gasped, but his gaze passed as soon as it had arrived. Then he abruptly pushed himself upright and headed into the forest, the sound of undergrowth beneath his feet soon fading as he sped away. 

Suigetsu whistled lowly. “Well, fuck,” he said. 

“He’ll come back,” Juugo said, staying calm despite the situation. 

“Shouldn’t we go after him, though?” Karin’s eyes were wide and her voice quavered. “Or one of us, at least? Juugo, you’ve gotten through to him before, you--” 

In her fear for Sasuke’s health, she wasn’t even demanding to be the one to spend time with him. Juugo appreciated this but still shook his head. “I haven’t, not really,” he said. “I think Sasuke needs to be alone right now.” 

“That asshole better not do anything stupid,” Suigetsu said darkly. “Goddamn it, he was acting weird the whole week. We should’ve known something like this was going to happen.” 

“He’s still grieving,” Karin said. “He’s barely had time to, since he’s team leader.”   


“Stupid fucker wouldn’t know healthy coping mechanisms if they cut his head off,” Suigetsu said, hand straying towards the hilt of his sword. 

“Don’t talk about him like that,” Karin bit back at him. “He’s still a better leader than you would ever be.” 

“Please, don’t argue,” Juugo interjected. “Right now, we should just wait for Sasuke.”   


“Fine,” Suigetsu muttered. He sounded angry, but all three of them knew that underneath his exterior, he was genuinely worried. 

They all sat down a little closer to each other than they usually did, and waited for their leader to return. 

A short distance away, Sasuke had finally slowed to a halt. He had ended up outside of the treeline, on a grassy cliff which looked out on more forest stretched across lower ground. Above him, a waning but nearly-full moon made the grasses shine silver. 

He slowly approached the cliff’s edge, his quick breaths now due more to running through the forest than the blind panic he had woken up with. 

Underneath the moonlight, everything was in the same range of colors: the grass was silver, the trees were blue, the sky was black and white. But there was one thing which refused to be colored in this monotone scheme, something which continued to violently clash no matter how hard Sasuke tried to imagine it away: his hands, and the bright red blood they were soaked in.

Blood. Blood. There was so much blood on his goddamn hands, his pale and shaking hands he was now holding before eyes he had spilled blood for to be able to see through them in the first place. 

Sometimes he couldn’t help but marvel at how few years he had been alive compared to how many years he had robbed from the lives of others. Shinobi died far more often than they lived, he grew up surrounded by horrific proof of that, but at the same time, there were not many sixteen-year-olds who had personally seen to the ends of so many. 

Sasuke wondered whether he had taken more lives than Itachi had at this age. Then he decided it didn’t matter, because he could kill anyone on his path and still be in less pain than Itachi must have been in after killing his own clan. After all, Sasuke had personally only seen to one of his own family members’ deaths, and that single killing haunted him so much already. 

Killing anyone who stood in his way would hurt less. Killing all five Hokage would hurt less. Killing all of Konoha would. Killing his team, even. Killing… 

Briefly, he remembered Karin’s knowing gaze, Suigetsu refraining from touching him, and Juugo’s recent question:  _ there’s still someone you care about, isn’t there?  _

And before he could prevent it, he was wondering:  _ What about killing Naruto?  _

The moment the name entered his thoughts he was already cursing himself.  _ Don’t think about Naruto  _ was a rule Sasuke generally held himself to for a multitude of reasons, the most significant being that he was so in love with his former friend that had begun to tear him apart, and he was afraid that if he stopped to consider this it might continue to rip at him he until he was never able to breathe properly again. 

Naruto had always been annoyingly persistent though, and seeing as Sasuke’s mental defenses were already relatively weakened it didn’t take much for his thoughts to drift towards exactly the person he wanted to avoid thinking about. 

Blond hair. Blue eyes. A smile with the ability to fill him with so much hope and love it made him want to drop dead right then and there. 

Drop dead, yes, because to live with that much light inside him was impossible after everything he had done and seen. By all accounts, he shouldn’t even be  _ able _ to want anymore, let alone be allowed to. 

And yet, when it came to Naruto, something deep within him (something he barely recognized as himself and yet did all too well) couldn’t stop himself from wanting. In fact, even if he were to die, he wasn’t sure that would be enough to stop this ache, this yearning which consumed his entire soul as if it wasn’t protected by layers of bitterness and cynicism and death and devastation, the inner Uchiha flame, and his own simple unwillingness to care about anything or anyone ever again. 

Sometimes he thought about what it would be like if he had stayed: stayed with his team, in the Village, by the side of the boy he loved. 

He didn’t think it would have made much of a difference. If anything, it might have increased his suffering: he would have existed as Naruto’s shadow in every way, less skilled and less seen and more bloodstained and more bitter. 

And still stuck with this heart and all of its damn pain, because what sort of light would ever fall in love with its own shadow? He would be yearning until the day he lay down in the forest and died alone for fear of confessing on his own deathbed if Naruto were beside him. 

And here lay the danger in thinking about Naruto so much. Thinking about him made Sasuke wonder why he was still living-- ever since Itachi’s death his goal had been revenge on Konoha, but Naruto was sure to stand in his way and Sasuke already knew that that was a battle he couldn’t win. Regardless of his victories against his rival in the past, this time was sure to be different. This time would have to end in one of their deaths, and Sasuke knew his heart would give out on him if he would be the one to deal it. 

So Naruto killing him appeared to be the only option, but Sasuke knew himself better than to think he would be able to bear that. A single look into those blue eyes as he lay bleeding out and his last breath was sure to be wasted in a confession after which he would die too soon to be able to take back. 

This was, of course, assuming Naruto would kill him in the first place. But unfortunately, the person Sasuke knew best after himself was Naruto, and so he already knew how low the chances were of  _ that  _ happening. 

The Sun truly was cruel. It offered its light in full glory, unapologetic towards any of the eyes it may be searing, and none could resist it. It did not love the ones it shone on, yet its light was so glorious that those cloaked in darkness couldn’t help but fall for it. Naruto would save him, follow him, fight him, enlighten him, bless him even, but never love him. 

“Fuck,” Sasuke hissed, digging his fingernails into his palms as tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. 

Almost exactly one week ago, he had cried at a cliff’s edge as well. But he had been looking at an ocean that time: an ocean of blue, which had grown bloodstained as the sun set. And this time he was looking out on a forest, one which could just as easily have hidden Konohagakure as the forest it was actually located in, much further away from here. 

Sasuke could cry while looking into oceanic depths, but he never would before a forest of hidden leaves. 

Eventually the tears receded again, and Sasuke was left with goosebumps on his arms and his heart in his throat, which he attempted vainly to swallow back down but the ache inside it was too severe, and it continued to try to escape his breaking body. 

No matter how much hurt still filled him, he knew he would have to return to his teammates soon. He thought of the strange attention they had paid him recently, the awareness of his grief in the aftermath of Itachi’s death which seemed to bind the three of them closer together. 

Strangely, Sasuke didn’t entirely mind their care: he didn’t snap or glare at them unless their feelings began to get in the way of their mission. Still, he was never going to truly accept what they had been quietly offering to him all week. He was just too damn tired for that; although he may have lied the previous night about having severed  _ all  _ previous bonds, it was true that he was no longer capable of seeking out new ones. What he felt for Naruto alone was already enough to make him question why he should continue to live; there was no questioning that he was at his limit. 

So he steeled himself, and made sure he was breathing normally, and made one more vain attempt to quell the yearning inside him before realizing how pointless that was and beginning to walk back towards Taka’s campsite despite it. 

_ Damn you, Naruto,  _ he thought as he walked, and he actually smiled slightly at the thought although the expression was weighted with grief and self-loathing.  _ We’re so far apart, but you still affect my life. And I know you’d be insufferable if you ever found that out.  _

Uncalled-for images of Naruto’s glowing, triumphant grin appeared in his mind; their accuracy was enough to make Sasuke despise the Sharingan’s perfect memory. 

_ I really do love him,  _ he thought ruefully.  _ And I have to live with that for now.  _

Moonlight faded behind him, and firelight dawned in front of him as he approached the campsite once again. He could already see the three silhouettes of his waiting teammates. 

_ Although, I have no doubt that I will die with it soon enough.  _

He wondered if he would regret dying after refusing his new teammate’s invitations to form a closer bond with each of them. 

_ Maybe so,  _ he supposed.  _ But it’s too late now.  _

He sighed, despite himself.  _ Maybe it’s becoming time to leave them, too. Not yet, I still need them. But they can’t be there when I fight Naruto, in case they do something idiotic like try to save my life. _

Satisfied with his new plan, he continued on.  _ Just a few more weeks,  _ he thought.  _ A few more weeks, and Naruto will rid the world of all my hate and love alike. And then he will be the hero who saved the world from the villain.  _

Sasuke smiled one more time. 

_ Just like that idiot always wanted.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments make my day, and I'm always available on twitter @sasugayuchlha .


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